Alex: I’m not sure why this happens to me, but I keep meeting guys who I really like, only to find out that they live with their ex! Both times this happened, they’ve been ‘broken up’ and claim to be moving out and moving on… The most current guy makes me feel good and I could see myself liking him more down the road, but a part of me feels a little weird knowing he goes home to his ex-girlfriend every night. I’m not looking for anything serious, we haven’t even slept together; I’m just having fun hanging out with him. I don’t know if I should say anything because I’m seeing other people, but I don’t want to develop feelings for someone who’s potentially unavailable. What would you do?
Nik: Ditch the fucker. Ahh, that felt good to say. Okay, but seriously the guy needs to move out (or his ex does.) As much as he says it’s over, he’s still sharing his home with her, which in my opinion is one’s most intimate space. As available as he makes himself to you, he’s still not 100% open when he begins and ends each day with another woman. I’d hit the brakes and tell him that once they live separately, you’ll make time for him. Until then, you got a million trillion things you’d rather fuckin’ do, then to be fuckin’ with dude.
Alex: Did you just quote Big Sean?
Alex: I’m so proud. And Big Sean would be too. You’re right though. I think I’m just attracted to the challenge. He’s a mess I want to clean up and I don’t know why.
Nik: Is it so that you don’t have to focus on your own stuff right now? I know you’re dealing with finishing your pilot, living alone for the first time and family drama… Sometimes we choose “projects aka people who aren’t great for us” so we can distract ourselves from doing our own work or healing our own wounds. Kinda feel like when people are in a really healthy and strong place, they choose people who don’t need cleaning up–people who make life easier and happier, not more challenging with let down after let down.
Alex: That makes a lot of sense. He’s just easier to think about than all the other stuff going on right now. And I think this applies to all relationships with the people in your life, they shouldn’t add to your problems.
Nik: Definitely not. When something or someone is really worth your time, you’ll feel supported and peaceful and genuinely very happy. And it’s really important not to run from your own pain. That’s all the good stuff that makes you cry and makes you bleed. It’s the stuff that shows you that you’re alive and that you’ve got purpose. Don’t hide from yourself.
Alex: Thank you, I feel really clear on what I need to do. Ditch the fucker.
Nik: Big Sean will be proud.