Alex: I’m not sure why this happens to me, but I keep meeting guys who I really like, only to find out that they live with their ex!  Both times this happened, they’ve been ‘broken up’ and claim to be moving out and moving on… The most current guy  makes me feel good and I could see myself liking him more down the road, but a part of me feels a little weird knowing he goes home to his ex-girlfriend every night. I’m not looking for anything serious, we haven’t even slept together; I’m just having fun hanging out with him.  I don’t know if I should say anything because I’m seeing other people, but I don’t want to develop feelings for someone who’s potentially unavailable. What would you do?
Nik: Ditch the fucker. Ahh, that felt good to say. Okay, but seriously the guy needs to move out (or his ex does.) As much as he says it’s over, he’s still sharing his home with her, which in my opinion is one’s most intimate space.  As available as he makes himself to you, he’s still not 100% open when he begins and ends each day with another woman. I’d hit the brakes and tell him that once they live separately, you’ll make time for him. Until then, you got a million trillion things you’d rather fuckin’ do, then to be fuckin’ with dude.
Alex: Did you just quote Big Sean?
Nik: Maybe.
Alex: I’m so proud. And Big Sean would be too.  You’re right though. I think I’m just attracted to the challenge. He’s a mess I want to clean up and I don’t know why.
Nik: Is it so that you don’t have to focus on your own stuff right now? I know you’re dealing with finishing your pilot, living alone for the first time and family drama… Sometimes we choose “projects aka people who aren’t great for us” so we can distract ourselves from doing our own work or healing our own wounds. Kinda feel like when people are in a really healthy and strong place, they choose people who don’t need cleaning up–people who make life easier and happier, not more challenging with let down after let down.
Alex: That makes a lot of sense. He’s just easier to think about than all the other stuff going on right now. And I think this applies to all relationships with the people in your life, they shouldn’t add to your problems.
Nik: Definitely not. When something or someone is really worth your time, you’ll feel supported and peaceful and genuinely very happy. And it’s really important not to run from your own pain. That’s all the good stuff that makes you cry and makes you bleed.  It’s the stuff that shows you that you’re alive and that you’ve got purpose. Don’t hide from yourself.
Alex: Thank you, I feel really clear on what I need to do. Ditch the fucker.
Nik: Big Sean will be proud.

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Alex:  Saturday nights used to be Janae  putting on her MEOW playlist as we’d try on 3 or 4 outfits before deciding what to wear.  Shelly would pour the drinks and after the buzz kicked in, Griffel would remind us that it was time to order the Uber. We’d dance until about 2 am, come home and make a pizza. It sucked when we ran out of ranch. Sundays were spent recovering, usually watching How I Met Your Mother, or off to the beach to relax and wait for the ocean to take care of our hangovers.  As much fun as that was, I wasn’t getting anywhere on my script! It’s been a couple of months now at my new job and I’m not going to lie, it’s not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Holy tots!  I didn’t know how much time and work went into writing a script.  For the first time I’m working on something I care about. It’s exciting, I’m not complaining, but I’m a little overwhelmed with how much I need to change. I can’t go out or stay up as late during the week because I won’t be productive the next day. One day of slacking and it’s three days of trying to catch up. Being around all of these writers had made me realize that I need to put more time in.  Which leads me to this debacle… My lease is almost up and my plan was to get a place with three of my friends, a cat, and a dog.  But now I’m not so sure. I’ve realized my life has been more ‘fun focused’ rather than ‘work focused’. I’m afraid I will feel left out when I see their pictures on Instagram having fun without me.  I know I’m being a baby. I just want to know it’ll be okay and that I’ll still have friends, even if I live alone.
Nik: It’ll be okay.
Alex: Thank you.
(later)
Alex: Really!? That’s all you’re going to give me?
(laaaater)
Alex: Whatever.
Nik: SORRY, I was busy FINISHING my SCRIPT because I live ALONE and have time and space to FINISH scripts and now I’m going to dinner with a BUNCH of FRIENDS! Yes, you’ll be okay! It’s called growing up and setting boundaries and having a schedule and knowing that if you want to make money as a writer you have to write–not act like you’re still in living in Sellery A.  Now. If it’s financially wise for you to have roomies than you should take that into consideration; you’ll just have to be a little better about setting goals and finding the discipline to achieve them.
Alex: Financially I can afford to live alone. I value my time and know that I need to use it more productively.
Nik: I think that you’ll be really happy in your own space.  I also think you’ll enjoy the time you get to spend with your friends even more. Worst case scenario, you die alone. Kidding. You can always get roommates again if you hate it.
Alex: You’re right. Thanks for always putting things into perspective when I can’t see them clearly.
Nik: You got it lil betch.

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Nik: Every now and then something rocks you to your core. Last week I found out that a woman I know has three weeks left to live. She has been battling breast cancer for four years and kept a beautiful and inspiring blog about it. I’ve been following the blog for a while now. I’d say prayers when she asked for them. I’d silently cheer her on when she shared good news. But Tuesday night I cried. She wrote that she was in the beginning stages of liver failure and was told she has three weeks to live. I burst into tears. I kept thinking there must be something left that she can do. There must be a way to fix it. There must be a way for her to keep living. It isn’t fair. She’s in her thirties and has two young children, but was told by the people who’ve been trying to save her life that she has three weeks left. How is that possible? I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time. I didn’t sleep. I tossed and turned as an unimaginable fear crept in. I turned on the lights thinking that maybe if it wasn’t dark, I’d be less scared. The light didn’t help. Morning came and I got in the shower and broke down again. Only my thoughts made even less sense. I’ve only dealt with the death of grandparents who were blessed to live long and wonderful lives. But I’ve never read the words of someone who is facing death head on. Someone who is young and a mother and a wife and not nearly old enough to say she’s done it all. One of the things she wrote was that she isn’t ready to go, that she hasn’t gotten through her bucket list. Her words raced through my mind as I tried to complete the simple task of washing my hair. Then I stopped. It seems like I have it all together, but it’s all an illusion right? I mean, I know I have my dream job and I know I need to work to make money to pay for life, but suddenly it all seemed meaningless. I questioned why I spin my wheels and work so hard everyday barely finding time for family or friends or… for my own bucket list. I don’t even have a bucket list. I spent Wednesday trying to avoid spinning out of control. I talked to people. Shared with people. And I got some powerful insight. First, I was told that dying is not scary from a man who died. He flatlined for three minutes and said it wasn’t scary at all. He said it was very peaceful and it’s actually scarier for those left behind. I was also told that these events wake you up and can actually be looked at as opportunities to reevaluate your own life… Are you where you want to be? Are you happy? Are you grateful for this go-around on Earth? Does the way you live your life prove it? Do you need to make changes? If so, what’s holding you back? These moments remind us that we’ve only got the present to live the life we really, truly want to live — don’t be stuck in the past, don’t live in an imaginary future. Another friend, a Kundalini Yogi, told me that our souls choose ‘us’ and we make a spiritual contract for our life’s journey–this happens to be the journey her soul chose. She also offered that sometimes when we feel things so deeply, it’s likely we’ve peeled back a layer revealing a bit of ourselves and that we can use the event as medicine to heal our own trauma and wounds. She suggested I light a candle and pray. I did. This post is dedicated to Jessica. You’re a mentor. You’re a muse. You’re a courageous warrior. Thank you for sharing your story–it’s one that inspires, empowers and will make people be better.

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Alex: Dating in LA sucks balls. I started seeing someone back in January.  It was refreshing to like someone again. From the first day we met we started a conversation that never ended. It was effortless and exciting. One of the first nights we hung out we found a huge tree on San Vicente, climbed to the perfect spot, and shared our first kiss. I was on cloud nine! I felt like I hit the jackpot, winning the lotto of love. Haha, that was so cheesy. Okay back to the story… At first it was all so easy. I would wake up to a ‘good morning’ text. We would talk on the phone for hours. The sex was wonderful. It was all too good to be true. Seriously.  A few months passed and I was left scratching my head wondering what the heck happened. It was like this shift in the universe and our relationship was forever changed. I started to see how single-minded he was. He didn’t know how to communicate, which is weird because he’s a coach, his job is to communicate.  All I know is that I kept holding on because when I would see him, everything felt right again. It was like a drug, we’d hang out, it felt good, I’d go home and the high would wear off and I was back to feeling ‘not me’ again. I would start to look at my phone in hopes he would text me, call me, anything! What was I doing? I started to want him to want me more than I actually wanted him myself.  It was getting to a point where I was spending more time unhappy than happy.  Then I remembered that sometimes what you learn from a relationship is often times more valuable than having it. So I got to thinking about what I learned:

- I learned about bulletproof coffee, I’ll always be thankful for that!
– I learned more about what I want in a man. I want my boyfriend to be my best friend and bring out the best in me. Someone who is thoughtful and open-minded.
– I learned the power of a great deep squat.
– I learned that I need to go camping more. I forgot how much I love to camp!
– I learned that if it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is. Real life has flaws. They’re just hard to see while you are being swept off your feet!
– Most importantly I learned I value my time and that I won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t value it too.

Writing these down made ending our ‘whatever it was’ easier. Why would I be upset when I learned so much about myself?

Nik: Because he was a dbag!  Sorry, but I had to say it.  I think that by writing these things down, you turned negative, unhealthy thoughts into something positive and empowered. And yes, you learned things and that is never ever bad, but at what price?  It saddens me how much girls will scratch and claw just to get the tiniest bit of affection (myself included.)  It’s like we start to measure our self-worth by the amount of attention we’re getting.  I saw this somewhere the other day, ‘If someone wants you in their life, they’ll put you there.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.’  It’s sooooo true.  I think the second something feels off, you need to bring it up in a direct and honest way.  If it doesn’t feel better and I don’t mean all gushy and adrenaline fueled,  but in a feeling cherished sort of way, then walk.  Walk and don’t look back. And if you start to get that high-low-addicted feeling in a relationship, it’s a really good sign that you’re not being respected and to move on.  I’m happy you ditched him.
Alex: Haha I love you, Janae thought he was a douchelord too.  I like that quote a lot. It reminds me that the only people you should keep in your life are the ones that make you better. I should have walked a lot sooner, the second I wasn’t happy. I was just naive and hanging on to the hope that things would change, but the only person I can change is myself. I forget that sometimes.
Nik: So, you good?
Alex: Yeah, I’m good.
Nik: Really good?
Alex: Reaaaallly good.
Nik: Who’s the new guy?

The post Love and Learn appeared first on amentoramuse.

Alex:  We’ve already established he never reads our blog… But just in case he’s ever forced to… Dad, stop reading now.
Alex:  Not kidding.
Alex:  Stop.  Reading.  Now.
Alex:  Last warning.
Nik:  OH MY GOD!  You’re killing me!  He doesn’t read our blog!  What?!
Alex:   So, I  found a quick way to tell if you are compatible with someone. This doesn’t mean you’ll last forever, but it’s a way to tell if you’ve at least got chemistry. I’ve only asked my roommates so technically I’ve yet to meet anyone that has disagreed. So, if you do, it is probably your age.
Nik:  Tread lightly, I’ve got out-of-control PMS and might unexpectedly drop kick you.
Alex:  Take some midol.  You can tell if ya got chemistry with someone based on how much fun you have while making out. A really hot and steamy make out sesh ALWAYS makes (or leads) to a good time. It sometimes takes a minute to get into each other’s groove, but eventually you do and when you do, you’re brought back to high school horny. Everything else stops and all you can think about is how awesome you feel. I’ve also dated (made out with) someone who didn’t really care for making out, whenever we did he never opened his mouth wide enough. It was hard to really get into it. We didn’t stay together long, he turned out to be kinda selfish. Super hot though. And my favorite kisser was my longest relationship. And I’ve also been with someone who didn’t start off as a good kisser, but now he is. We just figured out how to make out with each other. We’re still on talking terms.  Whenever we see each other, we make out. Unless one of us is seeing someone, then we’re awkward friends. But if you think about everyone you’ve made out with, which is probably hundreds of thousands, your favorite kissers may be the people you’ve had the strongest feelings for or the longest relationships with. So as you can see, moral of the story, making out is the easiest way to find out if you’ve got a future with someone.
Nik:  I can tell by how a man eats his food.
Alex:  Really?
Alex: (later) RESPOND! This is vital information, I need to know!
Alex: (later, later) You’re a bitch.

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Alex:  A close friend from high school recently got married. She’s my first girlfriend to get married. I was in the bridal party so I was there when they got married. I can’t stop saying the word married. I think it’s because it scares me a little. I know I’m only 24 and people say that I’m young, but it doesn’t change the fact that every now and then I’m overwhelmed with the pressure of finding love and settling down. I get these intense waves of emotion that send my mind racing down lonely lane. I don’t address these feelings often, but they’re there. Like a little crack in the mirror of love that reminds me every so often that I’m still single. Did I take that too far? Don’t get me wrong, I do love weddings and the idea of love. They’re fun and being a part of someone’s big day, that they’re going to remember for a lifetime, is an honor. But I’m just on a different boat entirely. I can’t think of marriage right now. Thinking of being with someone for eternity freaks me out. I think it’s scary because I’m single and I’m afraid I’m never going to find someone good enough. I know, I know, I’m being dramatic, but at times I really feel the pressure of finding that somebody. I haven’t brought a guy home to meet my family since my last relationship five years ago. I have a feeling my parents think there’s something wrong with me, they’ve even made a few jokes about it. It’s just really hitting me that I’m not in college anymore. Boy is it crazy how fast those years flew by. Why isn’t there a time machine? I want to go back! I have these moments where I don’t want to let go of that care-free life and accept how hard the real world is. Do these feelings ever go away?
Nik:  For sure. I think once you find a job that you love and get your groove in LA, you’ll start to really love life post-college. I mean, do you really want to read twenty chapters on some bullshit you don’t care about and then write a twenty page paper on what you read only to hand it in and do it all over again? Now you get to read your own book and write your own paper and that’s the best, most exciting thing ever! I’m guessing you miss your friends the most and the safety of structure. So create your own structure out here by developing a routine, nurture your friendships and start dating (for every guy in LA’s sake!) You don’t have to look at each guy as future-baby-daddy material, just as casual and fun encounters that will expose you to a more expanded view. Stop thinking. Start kissing.
Alex:  That’s a great bumper sticker ‘Stop thinking. Start kissing’. Or maybe even a tattoo!! Just kidding, I would never. Anyway, you’re right. I am guilty of sometimes taking life too seriously. So less thinking and more kissing… I think I can do that!

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Alex:  This Thanksgiving was my first holiday away from home. There are some things I knew I wouldn’t miss like the clean up and cold weather. But there are a lot of things that I knew I would miss; my grandma’s perfectly mashed potatoes with a touch of garlic, the sound of papa’s electric knife cutting the turkey, football on the big screen, the array of desserts we could choose from after dinner, the festive table decorations (boy does my grandma know how to set the table), all of us sitting down for dinner, sharing what we’re thankful for, eating until I’m in a food coma, laughing, sharing stories, making history. When I was a little girl I’d go to summer camps, leaving home for weeks at a time. I enjoyed the independence, but I always knew I was going back home. And in college, it was so easy to drive home when I needed a hug from dad after a long week or advice from my step-mom on drama that was outside my comfort zone. I checked the prices for tickets home. Then I compared it with my bank account and got sad when the numbers did’t align. It’s moments like these when I realize just how much I took for granted spending time with my family. My parents would invite me over for dinner, but I’d be so preoccupied with my social life that I wouldn’t go. Now, I wish I could go back and drink that second glass of wine and stay in on a Friday talking with my step-mom. I miss those nights the most. I miss how easy it was being in college, being at home, snuggled in my comfort zone. Even when I go back, things aren’t quite the same. People have moved on, new houses have been built, renovations on old parks where I used to spend so many summer nights playing ghost in the graveyard. My old stomping grounds are only in my memory now. Neighborhoods reinvent themselves and now I’m left in a daze wondering how did life go by so fast? I know I may be speaking like I’m 100, but being homesick makes me feel funny. I’m tapping into emotions I didn’t know existed. The excited feeling of moving to a new state, with new friends, with a new dream has passed. Not being home for the holidays showed me that. Do you remember your first holiday away from home?
Nik:  I’ve only been away from home for two holidays and it was because I was in a relationship and went to my boyfriend’s family’s house. It was really sad. I remember watching his family open presents and smile and laugh and hug each other and even though I laughed with them and wore a smile the entire time, I felt empty and my heart ached. I remember calling my mom and choking back tears when I said Merry Christmas so she wouldn’t hear how upset I was. I know she felt the same. It definitely wasn’t easy. Now, I make going home and being with my family a priority because I see them so little. It never gets easy living so far from them. There are so many nights where I wish they lived closer so I could pop in for dinner or laze around and watch a football game together. I guess when you get lonesome, you can video chat them. It’s not the same, but sometimes just seeing their faces makes everything better.
Alex: Yeah, I face-time with my brother Brock pretty regularly.  My favorite is when my dad puts me on speaker and my brother, step-mom are all in the same room so I can talk to all of them at the same time.

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Alex:  My mother called me today. It caught me off guard, I wasn’t ready. As my phone was ringing I had an instant flashback to the last time we spoke: “I don’t want to see you, Alex.” It has been months since I’ve talked to her. The feeling of hope that she was her old self again took over. I was walking into my friends house when I decided to pick up the phone and see what my estranged mother wants. I was greeted with disappointment. I’m not surprised. Why did I answer again? In the past, I would go along with her crazy, made-up, inebriated stories. Pretending like I was listening. Then more often than not she would say something that cut so deep, I’d fight back. I’d say things I didn’t mean. Then hang up the phone and be so bothered by our altercation that it’d end up ruining my night. I’ve been trying to have a relationship with my mother for so long, but every time we talk I end up with steam coming out of my ears. I turn into this vicious monster who can’t be tamed and then feel guilty about it later on. I think we all do this..put up with toxic relationships because you love them. A psycho boyfriend stalks your social media and makes you explain every post, every person you follow, every picture you like. You fight constantly and even though you know you should be in a better relationship you put up with it because you love him. Your girlfriend goes out and parties too much, gets drunk and is mean to you, but you put up with it anyway because you love her and you think she’ll change. Your mom is incapable of loving anyone and lives in her own fantasy world where you’re the evil villain, but you allow her to destroy you because she’s your mom and you love her. Alright, I think you get the picture. I’m tired of toxic relationships, Nik. I’m exhausted by putting up with people who don’t deserve to be in my life. I’m emotionally drained and shouldn’t have to deal with the constant negativity from someone I love. I’m finally accepting what is. No more playing victim. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t control other people’s actions. You can’t change someone else, you can only make changes within yourself. I have an estranged mother, so what? Its made me who I am today. I like where I am and every time I talk to her, I back track. So why give someone the time of day who makes you backtrack? What you learn from a relationship is often times more valuable than having it.
Nik:  Hope is a tricky thing. I think hope is an innate characteristic we all have, and it’s tough when the realization that it’s time to let go sets in because it signifies that what you’ve hoped for isn’t possible. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It maybe feels like you’re giving up. But I think it’s very important to recognize the relationships that don’t serve you and to let them go gracefully. If you’re spending more time unhappy than happy in a situation, it’s not worth it, no matter how hopeful you are. It’s okay to walk away and protect yourself. It’s better. And it’s healthy. You can’t save anyone and you can’t force a relationship to be something it’s not. In the end, when you shed a toxic relationship, both people become better for it.
Alex:  Nik you are so good. Your words are quotable. I want to quote them all day everyday. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with me. I can’t tell you how many times a day I tell myself how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life!

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Alex:  Why does it have to be so difficult to meet up in this city!? I live on the west side, closer to the ocean, and the majority of people I have met or knew before I moved here live on the east side, closer to Hollywood or Studio City. At first the traffic didn’t bother me, but now it’s what is killing my friendships with people! That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to meet up with someone, but didn’t because of traffic. Forget crossing the 405 anytime between 2pm to 8pm. That leaves a small window of time to hang. It sucks! Don’t even bother trying to make dinner plans anymore. The only people I can see regularly are those I live with or those who live west of the 405. Sad face. Maybe I need to drive with you the next time you run errands, to start learning the back roads so I can get around this city faster. An app I sometimes use that takes me on alternative routes is called, Waze. A couple friends swear by it. It alerts you of anything…cars pulled over on the side of the road, an accident, construction, a waiting po-po, traffic, etc.
Nik:  Yeah. It happens. I usually meet my friends in the middle. We make plans way in advance because last minute things are impossible with LA traffic. Make friends that live by you and take turns with friends on the other side of LA–make them come to you one time and then go to them the next. It’s a pain in the ass, but you’ll get used to it. Also, don’t be a flake. It takes so much effort to hangout with people here that I usually end up drifting apart from flaky friends. The plus is that you get to explore different hoods. That’s never a bad thing.
Alex:  Excellent use of the word hoods. I’m proud of you.

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Alex:  I never know what to drink when I go out. I always ask everyone what they’re getting before I order hoping it will help me make a decision. If I knew my drink, I wouldn’t have to contemplate for three hours whether I want vodka, whiskey, or a beer. I’ve always been jealous of my dad. He has been drinking bacardi and coke for as long as I can remember. He knows what he likes. I want to know what I like. The other night at Moms, my favorite bar in Santa Monica, it has a ping pong table, a nice gentleman asked “Can I buy you a drink?” I annoyingly responded “Hmm…what are you having? I usually go with a vodka tonic or a Jameson and lemonade, but it depends on the night.” He smiled, but I could tell he was really thinking… what the eff do you want? After that encounter, I decided I want to have a drink I like enough to order every time. That way I can actually talk to the cute guy at the bar instead of spending fifteen minutes picking a drink. Do you have a go-to?
Nik:  I don’t have one. But I need one because I do the same thing. I spend forever eyeballing every bottle on the shelf trying to make a decision. Then I’ll ask the bartender what I should get and he’ll ask what kind of alcohol I like and I don’t even know that. I guess I like a dirty martini, but only when I’m craving salt. I don’t like sugary drinks. I like wine, but only at restaurants. Beer makes me burp, which is never ideal, nothing like burping in a guys face right after he asks for your number…yeah. I don’t have my drink yet. I’d like go-to’s. A beer. A drink. A wine.
Alex:  What do you mean burping in a guys face is never ideal?
Nik:   I don’t even know how to respond.
Nik:  I just looked at the link you sent me.  I’m cracking up.  Does your dad wear cargo shorts?

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