Alex: I’m not sure why this happens to me, but I keep meeting guys who I really like, only to find out that they live with their ex!  Both times this happened, they’ve been ‘broken up’ and claim to be moving out and moving on… The most current guy  makes me feel good and I could see myself liking him more down the road, but a part of me feels a little weird knowing he goes home to his ex-girlfriend every night. I’m not looking for anything serious, we haven’t even slept together; I’m just having fun hanging out with him.  I don’t know if I should say anything because I’m seeing other people, but I don’t want to develop feelings for someone who’s potentially unavailable. What would you do?
Nik: Ditch the fucker. Ahh, that felt good to say. Okay, but seriously the guy needs to move out (or his ex does.) As much as he says it’s over, he’s still sharing his home with her, which in my opinion is one’s most intimate space.  As available as he makes himself to you, he’s still not 100% open when he begins and ends each day with another woman. I’d hit the brakes and tell him that once they live separately, you’ll make time for him. Until then, you got a million trillion things you’d rather fuckin’ do, then to be fuckin’ with dude.
Alex: Did you just quote Big Sean?
Nik: Maybe.
Alex: I’m so proud. And Big Sean would be too.  You’re right though. I think I’m just attracted to the challenge. He’s a mess I want to clean up and I don’t know why.
Nik: Is it so that you don’t have to focus on your own stuff right now? I know you’re dealing with finishing your pilot, living alone for the first time and family drama… Sometimes we choose “projects aka people who aren’t great for us” so we can distract ourselves from doing our own work or healing our own wounds. Kinda feel like when people are in a really healthy and strong place, they choose people who don’t need cleaning up–people who make life easier and happier, not more challenging with let down after let down.
Alex: That makes a lot of sense. He’s just easier to think about than all the other stuff going on right now. And I think this applies to all relationships with the people in your life, they shouldn’t add to your problems.
Nik: Definitely not. When something or someone is really worth your time, you’ll feel supported and peaceful and genuinely very happy. And it’s really important not to run from your own pain. That’s all the good stuff that makes you cry and makes you bleed.  It’s the stuff that shows you that you’re alive and that you’ve got purpose. Don’t hide from yourself.
Alex: Thank you, I feel really clear on what I need to do. Ditch the fucker.
Nik: Big Sean will be proud.

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Nik: New fringe boots from Elyse Walker.
Alex: Those are the boots I want to wear when I give my future boyfriend a lap dance to American Woman.
Nik: You should hurry. They might be out of style next season.
Alex: Yay, I found a pair in my price range from Steve Madden. Do you like?
Nik: I meant hurry with the boyfriend…
Alex: I have a few fish in the tank.
Nik: Ew.
Alex: Yeah, that grossed me out too.
Nik: What does that even mean?
Alex: I have no idea.

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Alex: I know what you can get me for my bachelorette party…
Nik: I keep saying I want a nanny, but this is so much better.  Like so much better.

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Alex:  I was browsing apps and this name hooked my attention, Foodspotting. You know how much I love to eat, so obviously, I had to check it out. And it’s actually pretty sweet! It’s a visual guide to food and where to find it. Instead of reviewing restaurants, you can recommend great dishes and see what others recommend wherever you go. It’s almost like Instagram for food.
Nik:  Okay, I’m happy people finally have a place to showcase all of their food pictures because I’m bored with them. I mean, honestly? I don’t want to see the burrito you ate last night or the wings you ordered at Hooters or the pie you baked for your church potluck. I just don’t. Aside from that, and it could be my trust issues, but this app scares me. I’m always baffled when I overhear people at restaurants ask their server what they like. We all have different wiring when it comes to taste. We don’t taste things the same. Some people are supertasters. Some are subtasters. I’m a supertaster. I’m also a supersmeller. But my point is, I’m not sure I trust this app. I mean, sure Bob, puts a great filter on that tuna tartare, but am I really driving 30 minutes because he said it’s the best he’s ever had?
Alex:  Who’s Bob?
Nik:  Bob is an example of someone I wouldn’t trust. I like to blaze my own trail, forge my own path, pave my own way.
Alex:  Maybe you need to try it and learn to trust the Bobs of the world and then you’ll get married, maybe get a bob hair cut, and live happily ever after.
Nik:  I thought this was about food…
Alex:  And the way to a man’s heart… and pants…

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Alex:  We’ve already established he never reads our blog… But just in case he’s ever forced to… Dad, stop reading now.
Alex:  Not kidding.
Alex:  Stop.  Reading.  Now.
Alex:  Last warning.
Nik:  OH MY GOD!  You’re killing me!  He doesn’t read our blog!  What?!
Alex:   So, I  found a quick way to tell if you are compatible with someone. This doesn’t mean you’ll last forever, but it’s a way to tell if you’ve at least got chemistry. I’ve only asked my roommates so technically I’ve yet to meet anyone that has disagreed. So, if you do, it is probably your age.
Nik:  Tread lightly, I’ve got out-of-control PMS and might unexpectedly drop kick you.
Alex:  Take some midol.  You can tell if ya got chemistry with someone based on how much fun you have while making out. A really hot and steamy make out sesh ALWAYS makes (or leads) to a good time. It sometimes takes a minute to get into each other’s groove, but eventually you do and when you do, you’re brought back to high school horny. Everything else stops and all you can think about is how awesome you feel. I’ve also dated (made out with) someone who didn’t really care for making out, whenever we did he never opened his mouth wide enough. It was hard to really get into it. We didn’t stay together long, he turned out to be kinda selfish. Super hot though. And my favorite kisser was my longest relationship. And I’ve also been with someone who didn’t start off as a good kisser, but now he is. We just figured out how to make out with each other. We’re still on talking terms.  Whenever we see each other, we make out. Unless one of us is seeing someone, then we’re awkward friends. But if you think about everyone you’ve made out with, which is probably hundreds of thousands, your favorite kissers may be the people you’ve had the strongest feelings for or the longest relationships with. So as you can see, moral of the story, making out is the easiest way to find out if you’ve got a future with someone.
Nik:  I can tell by how a man eats his food.
Alex:  Really?
Alex: (later) RESPOND! This is vital information, I need to know!
Alex: (later, later) You’re a bitch.

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Alex: Okay serious question… do you match your underwear and bra? I’m not going to say why I want to know, just in case my dad ever reads this blog, but let’s just say I think it’s time I step it up in the undergarment department. My friends would agree, I used to have the ugliest undies. My mom used to go to Kohl’s and always came back with a bunch saying “there was a good sale”. So what if they were black with a kitten-jack-o-lantern face on it? They were free. Those days are over though. So do share your intimate secrets with me. Are they better than Victoria’s Secret?
Nik: New man? Lol. And please, your dad is NOT reading AmAm. Anyway, yes, I match. I think mismatching is lazy and looks like you smell like pee. But I’m weird like that and you know I’m a self-proclaimed OCDer. I’ll admit that I went through a phase where the nude push-up number from Victoria Secret became my undergarm uniform. I owned like 82 of them because they were all I’d wear. But one day I thought, ew, gross. So now I save the ‘nudes’ for clothes that require them. And, yes, I’m a fan of Vic Sec, but I’ve got an arsenal of fancy delicates for certain scenarios, which I won’t talk about because now you’ve got me paranoid that your dad really is reading this.
Alex: Haha! Fine, I’ll admit it, my dad doesn’t read this and it is for a new man. BUT I’m not spilling the beans yet because I don’t want to jinx anything! Oh boy, I don’t think I’ve ever matched my undies and bra. Time to start though. Want to go to Victoria Secret with me this week? And for the record, I don’t smell like pee.
Nik: Just tell me you don’t have period underwear.
Alex: (Gasp!) You don’t? Everyone does!
Nik: No they don’t! I don’t.
Alex: You really don’t have those ugly undies that you wear during that week because you could care less if they get ruined? You know you’ve ruined a few panties.
Nik: No. I wear black during my moon cycle.
Alex: Did you wear black during your sweat lodge too?
Nik: Depends on the lunar calendar, but no, white because it doesn’t show the salt marks from the sweat.
Alex: Gross. The conversations ends here.
Nik: I wasn’t talking about V sweat!
Alex: (pretends to throw up)
Nik: (throws a reverse peace sign)

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Alex:  A close friend from high school recently got married. She’s my first girlfriend to get married. I was in the bridal party so I was there when they got married. I can’t stop saying the word married. I think it’s because it scares me a little. I know I’m only 24 and people say that I’m young, but it doesn’t change the fact that every now and then I’m overwhelmed with the pressure of finding love and settling down. I get these intense waves of emotion that send my mind racing down lonely lane. I don’t address these feelings often, but they’re there. Like a little crack in the mirror of love that reminds me every so often that I’m still single. Did I take that too far? Don’t get me wrong, I do love weddings and the idea of love. They’re fun and being a part of someone’s big day, that they’re going to remember for a lifetime, is an honor. But I’m just on a different boat entirely. I can’t think of marriage right now. Thinking of being with someone for eternity freaks me out. I think it’s scary because I’m single and I’m afraid I’m never going to find someone good enough. I know, I know, I’m being dramatic, but at times I really feel the pressure of finding that somebody. I haven’t brought a guy home to meet my family since my last relationship five years ago. I have a feeling my parents think there’s something wrong with me, they’ve even made a few jokes about it. It’s just really hitting me that I’m not in college anymore. Boy is it crazy how fast those years flew by. Why isn’t there a time machine? I want to go back! I have these moments where I don’t want to let go of that care-free life and accept how hard the real world is. Do these feelings ever go away?
Nik:  For sure. I think once you find a job that you love and get your groove in LA, you’ll start to really love life post-college. I mean, do you really want to read twenty chapters on some bullshit you don’t care about and then write a twenty page paper on what you read only to hand it in and do it all over again? Now you get to read your own book and write your own paper and that’s the best, most exciting thing ever! I’m guessing you miss your friends the most and the safety of structure. So create your own structure out here by developing a routine, nurture your friendships and start dating (for every guy in LA’s sake!) You don’t have to look at each guy as future-baby-daddy material, just as casual and fun encounters that will expose you to a more expanded view. Stop thinking. Start kissing.
Alex:  That’s a great bumper sticker ‘Stop thinking. Start kissing’. Or maybe even a tattoo!! Just kidding, I would never. Anyway, you’re right. I am guilty of sometimes taking life too seriously. So less thinking and more kissing… I think I can do that!

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Alex:  My mother called me today. It caught me off guard, I wasn’t ready. As my phone was ringing I had an instant flashback to the last time we spoke: “I don’t want to see you, Alex.” It has been months since I’ve talked to her. The feeling of hope that she was her old self again took over. I was walking into my friends house when I decided to pick up the phone and see what my estranged mother wants. I was greeted with disappointment. I’m not surprised. Why did I answer again? In the past, I would go along with her crazy, made-up, inebriated stories. Pretending like I was listening. Then more often than not she would say something that cut so deep, I’d fight back. I’d say things I didn’t mean. Then hang up the phone and be so bothered by our altercation that it’d end up ruining my night. I’ve been trying to have a relationship with my mother for so long, but every time we talk I end up with steam coming out of my ears. I turn into this vicious monster who can’t be tamed and then feel guilty about it later on. I think we all do this..put up with toxic relationships because you love them. A psycho boyfriend stalks your social media and makes you explain every post, every person you follow, every picture you like. You fight constantly and even though you know you should be in a better relationship you put up with it because you love him. Your girlfriend goes out and parties too much, gets drunk and is mean to you, but you put up with it anyway because you love her and you think she’ll change. Your mom is incapable of loving anyone and lives in her own fantasy world where you’re the evil villain, but you allow her to destroy you because she’s your mom and you love her. Alright, I think you get the picture. I’m tired of toxic relationships, Nik. I’m exhausted by putting up with people who don’t deserve to be in my life. I’m emotionally drained and shouldn’t have to deal with the constant negativity from someone I love. I’m finally accepting what is. No more playing victim. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t control other people’s actions. You can’t change someone else, you can only make changes within yourself. I have an estranged mother, so what? Its made me who I am today. I like where I am and every time I talk to her, I back track. So why give someone the time of day who makes you backtrack? What you learn from a relationship is often times more valuable than having it.
Nik:  Hope is a tricky thing. I think hope is an innate characteristic we all have, and it’s tough when the realization that it’s time to let go sets in because it signifies that what you’ve hoped for isn’t possible. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It maybe feels like you’re giving up. But I think it’s very important to recognize the relationships that don’t serve you and to let them go gracefully. If you’re spending more time unhappy than happy in a situation, it’s not worth it, no matter how hopeful you are. It’s okay to walk away and protect yourself. It’s better. And it’s healthy. You can’t save anyone and you can’t force a relationship to be something it’s not. In the end, when you shed a toxic relationship, both people become better for it.
Alex:  Nik you are so good. Your words are quotable. I want to quote them all day everyday. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with me. I can’t tell you how many times a day I tell myself how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life!

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Alex:  Why does it have to be so difficult to meet up in this city!? I live on the west side, closer to the ocean, and the majority of people I have met or knew before I moved here live on the east side, closer to Hollywood or Studio City. At first the traffic didn’t bother me, but now it’s what is killing my friendships with people! That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to meet up with someone, but didn’t because of traffic. Forget crossing the 405 anytime between 2pm to 8pm. That leaves a small window of time to hang. It sucks! Don’t even bother trying to make dinner plans anymore. The only people I can see regularly are those I live with or those who live west of the 405. Sad face. Maybe I need to drive with you the next time you run errands, to start learning the back roads so I can get around this city faster. An app I sometimes use that takes me on alternative routes is called, Waze. A couple friends swear by it. It alerts you of anything…cars pulled over on the side of the road, an accident, construction, a waiting po-po, traffic, etc.
Nik:  Yeah. It happens. I usually meet my friends in the middle. We make plans way in advance because last minute things are impossible with LA traffic. Make friends that live by you and take turns with friends on the other side of LA–make them come to you one time and then go to them the next. It’s a pain in the ass, but you’ll get used to it. Also, don’t be a flake. It takes so much effort to hangout with people here that I usually end up drifting apart from flaky friends. The plus is that you get to explore different hoods. That’s never a bad thing.
Alex:  Excellent use of the word hoods. I’m proud of you.

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Alex:  I never know what to drink when I go out. I always ask everyone what they’re getting before I order hoping it will help me make a decision. If I knew my drink, I wouldn’t have to contemplate for three hours whether I want vodka, whiskey, or a beer. I’ve always been jealous of my dad. He has been drinking bacardi and coke for as long as I can remember. He knows what he likes. I want to know what I like. The other night at Moms, my favorite bar in Santa Monica, it has a ping pong table, a nice gentleman asked “Can I buy you a drink?” I annoyingly responded “Hmm…what are you having? I usually go with a vodka tonic or a Jameson and lemonade, but it depends on the night.” He smiled, but I could tell he was really thinking… what the eff do you want? After that encounter, I decided I want to have a drink I like enough to order every time. That way I can actually talk to the cute guy at the bar instead of spending fifteen minutes picking a drink. Do you have a go-to?
Nik:  I don’t have one. But I need one because I do the same thing. I spend forever eyeballing every bottle on the shelf trying to make a decision. Then I’ll ask the bartender what I should get and he’ll ask what kind of alcohol I like and I don’t even know that. I guess I like a dirty martini, but only when I’m craving salt. I don’t like sugary drinks. I like wine, but only at restaurants. Beer makes me burp, which is never ideal, nothing like burping in a guys face right after he asks for your number…yeah. I don’t have my drink yet. I’d like go-to’s. A beer. A drink. A wine.
Alex:  What do you mean burping in a guys face is never ideal?
Nik:   I don’t even know how to respond.
Nik:  I just looked at the link you sent me.  I’m cracking up.  Does your dad wear cargo shorts?

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