Alex: I’m trying really hard to turn my frustration, and hurt, into motivation. I think that’s the only thing you can do when you’re feeling these emotions. I sent my dad and stepmom a copy of my script (they always nag me for not having anything done) so I was excited to hear what they had to say when a 55 page script arrived at their front door. The excitement was short lived. When he called to congratulate me, and let me know he received my script,  he also told me, “I probably won’t read it word for word.” REALLY!? I mean, come on. Can you at least pretend you’re going to read it? It took every ounce of strength in my body not to shout at him. I spent so many hours working on it and he couldn’t even take thirty minutes to read his daughter’s script? That’s when I realized how different we are. I know he loves me, but he’s not supportive of my dream. He doesn’t care what job I have, as long as it’s a job. I’ve never felt more alone. I feel so misunderstood by my family. Did your parents support your choice to become a writer?
Nik: Sorry bug. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I was lucky to have a mom who fully backed my creative efforts so I haven’t been in your position. I do have a few thoughts though. First, I think you’re right to use it as motivation. It’s easy to let people’s opinions stop you in your tracks and make you question yourself and become fearful, but it can also be a huge motivator if you let it. I also think it’s important to understand that they’re just looking out for their little girl. There’s nothing easy about getting into TV writing and it isn’t a stable career. On some level, I’m sure their lack of enthusiasm is more or less concern for your well-being and your future. You can’t be mad at them for that. You just have to hear them out and try to understand why they feel the way they do and then surround yourself in LA with like-minded people who will keep you on track and help motivate and inspire you. I think too many people die without ever having lived their passion or fully realizing their God-given talent and potential. And I think that’s a damn shame. Good for you for believing in yourself enough to pursue your dream and not let fear or self-doubt (or that of others) keep you from it. Can you imagine growing old and always wondering ‘what if’? I can’t and that’s why I chased my dream until I caught up to it and tackled it to the ground making it my reality. And you know what? There isn’t one single day that I wake up and dread going to work. I freaking love it. I love it so much that when I’m not on a job, I’m at home writing for free. To me, that’s happiness. That’s what living should be. Now, release it and write your Emmy/Golden Globe/Academy Award acceptance speech and thank your parents for keeping the fire under your ass nice and hot.
Alex: Holy shit, Nik. I have goosebumps. Thank you.

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Alex: Have you ever gotten half way through a script and realized you hate it? And that it’s not nearly as good of an idea as you thought it was? Well, that’s where I’m at. I’ve been writing scenes everyday and even though this is the first one I’ve ever written, I know I’m capable of producing better! My vocabulary stinks. My plot line isn’t as complex as I want it to be. My transitions are okay but could be better. I’m just not liking anything I’m writing at the moment. Describing a character or a scene is a lot harder than what I thought it would be! What was I thinking writing a Sci-Fi for my first script? I guess the only take away from this experience is that I am on the right path. I know I was born to be a writer. Even though I’m stumbling right now, I want to keep going.  I just wish I would have realized this sooner and finished this damn pilot months ago so I could be working on something new. Have you ever written a script and done nothing with it?
Nik: I actually think it’s a really good sign that you’re feeling this way. I know you don’t want to hear that, but almost everyone’s first script sucks. Trust me. In like five years (shit probably in a year) you’ll go back and read this sucker and be mortified.  If you were telling me that the script is amazing and you’re going to sell it and you can’t wait for me to read it, I’d be worried.  Just keep moving. Writing is rewriting (duh, but true) and your script will improve a million percent once you give it to people for notes and start doing rewrites on it. It’s good that you know it can be better. It really is. Keep going!
Alex: Thanks boo.
Nik: Welcome boo.
Alex: Knock, knock…
Nik: Really?
Alex: Yes. Knock, knock…
Nik: Who’s there?
Alex: Boo.
Nik: No.

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Alex:  Saturday nights used to be Janae  putting on her MEOW playlist as we’d try on 3 or 4 outfits before deciding what to wear.  Shelly would pour the drinks and after the buzz kicked in, Griffel would remind us that it was time to order the Uber. We’d dance until about 2 am, come home and make a pizza. It sucked when we ran out of ranch. Sundays were spent recovering, usually watching How I Met Your Mother, or off to the beach to relax and wait for the ocean to take care of our hangovers.  As much fun as that was, I wasn’t getting anywhere on my script! It’s been a couple of months now at my new job and I’m not going to lie, it’s not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Holy tots!  I didn’t know how much time and work went into writing a script.  For the first time I’m working on something I care about. It’s exciting, I’m not complaining, but I’m a little overwhelmed with how much I need to change. I can’t go out or stay up as late during the week because I won’t be productive the next day. One day of slacking and it’s three days of trying to catch up. Being around all of these writers had made me realize that I need to put more time in.  Which leads me to this debacle… My lease is almost up and my plan was to get a place with three of my friends, a cat, and a dog.  But now I’m not so sure. I’ve realized my life has been more ‘fun focused’ rather than ‘work focused’. I’m afraid I will feel left out when I see their pictures on Instagram having fun without me.  I know I’m being a baby. I just want to know it’ll be okay and that I’ll still have friends, even if I live alone.
Nik: It’ll be okay.
Alex: Thank you.
(later)
Alex: Really!? That’s all you’re going to give me?
(laaaater)
Alex: Whatever.
Nik: SORRY, I was busy FINISHING my SCRIPT because I live ALONE and have time and space to FINISH scripts and now I’m going to dinner with a BUNCH of FRIENDS! Yes, you’ll be okay! It’s called growing up and setting boundaries and having a schedule and knowing that if you want to make money as a writer you have to write–not act like you’re still in living in Sellery A.  Now. If it’s financially wise for you to have roomies than you should take that into consideration; you’ll just have to be a little better about setting goals and finding the discipline to achieve them.
Alex: Financially I can afford to live alone. I value my time and know that I need to use it more productively.
Nik: I think that you’ll be really happy in your own space.  I also think you’ll enjoy the time you get to spend with your friends even more. Worst case scenario, you die alone. Kidding. You can always get roommates again if you hate it.
Alex: You’re right. Thanks for always putting things into perspective when I can’t see them clearly.
Nik: You got it lil betch.

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Alex: Today was so exciting, Nik!!! I took notes for the first time in the writers’ room. Well, it wasn’t the main room but who cares. The writers split up into two groups and I was pulled into one of them to take notes on character arcs. I loved hearing how they brainstormed ideas. How they took turns talking and giving pitches. It was so cool to see them debate and question each other. Honestly, it was magical. I can’t tell you how hard it was to stay focused. At times my brain would wander… I wanted to play too! It feels incredible to be working somewhere where I want to move up the ladder. I had to bite my tongue so many times because I had an idea I wanted to share but I know what I say right now doesn’t matter. I bet you kill it in the writers’ room.
Nik: First of all, everything you have to say matters, there’s just a certain way to do it when you’re at your level.  You should keep notes of your ideas and if they aren’t pitched, then find the right time to approach one of the writers and offer them.  I know from working on the blog with you that you have good instincts, so my guess is that you have great ideas for the show.  It’s more about room politics.  Just feel out the mood and  float your ideas when the time is right.  Slowly, if you find that your ideas are sticking or you’re getting good feedback, you’ll gain their trust and they’ll be more open to hearing your pitches.  This is all good stuff.  I’m so proud of you and more than anything I’m happy you’re gaining experience and finding that you love it more and more.  Tells me that you made the right decision when you chose this job over A&R at Epic.
Alex: I just clapped when I read this.
Nik: Why?
Alex: Because I am so happy. Even though making that decision made me stressed as a mother, I know I made the right choice. It has never been more clear that I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
Nik: Made you stressed?
Alex: I know, I hate using that word around you.

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Nik: Every now and then something rocks you to your core. Last week I found out that a woman I know has three weeks left to live. She has been battling breast cancer for four years and kept a beautiful and inspiring blog about it. I’ve been following the blog for a while now. I’d say prayers when she asked for them. I’d silently cheer her on when she shared good news. But Tuesday night I cried. She wrote that she was in the beginning stages of liver failure and was told she has three weeks to live. I burst into tears. I kept thinking there must be something left that she can do. There must be a way to fix it. There must be a way for her to keep living. It isn’t fair. She’s in her thirties and has two young children, but was told by the people who’ve been trying to save her life that she has three weeks left. How is that possible? I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time. I didn’t sleep. I tossed and turned as an unimaginable fear crept in. I turned on the lights thinking that maybe if it wasn’t dark, I’d be less scared. The light didn’t help. Morning came and I got in the shower and broke down again. Only my thoughts made even less sense. I’ve only dealt with the death of grandparents who were blessed to live long and wonderful lives. But I’ve never read the words of someone who is facing death head on. Someone who is young and a mother and a wife and not nearly old enough to say she’s done it all. One of the things she wrote was that she isn’t ready to go, that she hasn’t gotten through her bucket list. Her words raced through my mind as I tried to complete the simple task of washing my hair. Then I stopped. It seems like I have it all together, but it’s all an illusion right? I mean, I know I have my dream job and I know I need to work to make money to pay for life, but suddenly it all seemed meaningless. I questioned why I spin my wheels and work so hard everyday barely finding time for family or friends or… for my own bucket list. I don’t even have a bucket list. I spent Wednesday trying to avoid spinning out of control. I talked to people. Shared with people. And I got some powerful insight. First, I was told that dying is not scary from a man who died. He flatlined for three minutes and said it wasn’t scary at all. He said it was very peaceful and it’s actually scarier for those left behind. I was also told that these events wake you up and can actually be looked at as opportunities to reevaluate your own life… Are you where you want to be? Are you happy? Are you grateful for this go-around on Earth? Does the way you live your life prove it? Do you need to make changes? If so, what’s holding you back? These moments remind us that we’ve only got the present to live the life we really, truly want to live — don’t be stuck in the past, don’t live in an imaginary future. Another friend, a Kundalini Yogi, told me that our souls choose ‘us’ and we make a spiritual contract for our life’s journey–this happens to be the journey her soul chose. She also offered that sometimes when we feel things so deeply, it’s likely we’ve peeled back a layer revealing a bit of ourselves and that we can use the event as medicine to heal our own trauma and wounds. She suggested I light a candle and pray. I did. This post is dedicated to Jessica. You’re a mentor. You’re a muse. You’re a courageous warrior. Thank you for sharing your story–it’s one that inspires, empowers and will make people be better.

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Alex: I’m sad. Actually, I’m just homesick, but being homesick makes me sad.  So I guess that does make me sad.  I just feel like I’ve missed out on so much back at home.  My brother won State for football, broke his hand and got surgery, graduated High School, turned eighteen and is leaving for college at the end of summer.  The list could go on and on.  And I’ve missed it all. Even some of my friends are getting married, having kids, or getting their own places.  It’s weird and it’s hard not being home for these events.  Holy cow I miss Wisconsin so much.  I miss Brewer tailgates, burgers on the grill, a friendly-turned-competitive game of Bags… usually guys versus girls. The hot humid air married with a cool crisp lake and a fully stocked cooler of Spotted Cow. The 4th of July arrives and the only thing you know for the next 48 hours is festivals, kickball, the beer tent, pool parties, and of course the fireworks.  For the past two years I’ve spent the 4th at Venice beach with awesome friends and food. It was still a lot of fun this year, I mean it’s hard to complain when you’re partying at the beach, but it just wasn’t the same. I think I just really need to go home. Not move home, just go home. I miss being able to ‘just go home’. Grr, the Monday after the 4th really sucks balls.
Nik:  I get homesick too.  And I don’t think those feelings ever go away.  I wish my family lived closer so I could just pop in whenever I wanted.  I think the thing that helps is planning ahead (although if you ask my family they’d laugh because I usually plan trips less than three weeks in advance.) But I try to go home every 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas and they usually come out here once or twice a year. It’s not as good as living in the same city, but it lessens the homesickness because I know exactly when I’ll see them next.  You do realize that you get a ton of time off for the holidays when you work on a show, right? Have you checked your production calendar?  You should look and plan ahead so you can get a cheap ticket home!
Alex: Yep! We have roughly two weeks off around Christmas and I plan on being home the entire time. This feeling also motivates me to write more, finish my script, and start making money so I can have the liberty to travel whenever I want. Well, whenever we’re on hiatus.  As much as I would rather hear that the homesickness goes away, it’s comforting knowing I have you out here to always tell me how it is. We have to make it a point to go to Wisconsin together! Think about how much fun we would have!
Nik:  My dream is to do a Badger/Packer weekend.  Let’s do that.
Alex: That sounds like heaven. So does making out with Aaron Rodgers in a hammock by a campfire post-game.

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MAY 5
Email from Alex to Nik: I need your advice!  I got a job offer!  Things at Warner Bros Records have been going well… so well that I was recommended for a job at Epic Records, as an assistant to the VP of A&R, as well as another A&R. I would have a stable schedule, steady pay and get to listen to music all day.  It’s exactly what I wanted when I first started at WBR. I love music. It has been the love of my life since my first memory.  But the more I write and learn about the writing process, the more I can’t see myself being anything but a writer.  My dad thinks I’m an absolute nut for not accepting this position immediately. It has benefits, saving plans and stability… everything he values. It’s a great opportunity, but the thing is, I don’t know if it’s smart for me to take this job when I know I want to write. There is no doubt in my mind I will always be involved with music, I love writing lyrics and having jam sessions with my friends, but the second I found out I got the job, my stomach flipped upside down.  I’m worried that I will end up getting sucked into A&R.  I don’t know what to do.  Especially when there’s a chance that you might be able to get me an interview for a PA job on a TV show. What do you think I should do?

Text from Nik to Alex: Honestly, this is a tough one.   I’ve given your resume to three showrunners, but they already have PA’s.  I’m waiting on a pickup for The 100 on the CW because I think I can get you an interview there, but I don’t even know if they’re looking.  I know you need a job and music is a passion of yours, so I’d hate to tell you to hold off and then not be able to help you land a PA spot.  When do they need to know?
Alex: Tomorrow, but I wouldn’t start until next week.
Nik: I don’t know if The 100 will get picked up.  I feel strongly that it will, but there are no guarantees.   I think you should take the job.   You can always quit.
Alex: Won’t they hate me if I quit right away?
Nik:  Probably.  But who gives a shit if you get a job in a writers’ room on a TV show?  You don’t owe anybody anything.
Alex: I know.  AHH.  I just don’t know what to do.  This is hard.
Nik: Okay.  Instead of focusing on the options, take a minute to ask yourself why this choice is so hard.  Get quiet, get still, then get really honest with the noise inside your head.  Is the answer there?  Sometimes our fear is so loud and demanding that it’s hard to hear our intuition.  What are you scared of?  Your parents?  Your new boss getting mad at you for changing your mind?  I know you Alex and I know how badly you want to write. You’ve been very clear with them from the beginning that you’re an aspiring writer and only a complete d-bag would get mad at you for following your dreams if an opportunity arises.  Take the job.  If I can’t help you get a PA job, then you’ll have a great gig.  If a PA job comes up, we’ll deal with it then.

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Alex:  We’ve already established he never reads our blog… But just in case he’s ever forced to… Dad, stop reading now.
Alex:  Not kidding.
Alex:  Stop.  Reading.  Now.
Alex:  Last warning.
Nik:  OH MY GOD!  You’re killing me!  He doesn’t read our blog!  What?!
Alex:   So, I  found a quick way to tell if you are compatible with someone. This doesn’t mean you’ll last forever, but it’s a way to tell if you’ve at least got chemistry. I’ve only asked my roommates so technically I’ve yet to meet anyone that has disagreed. So, if you do, it is probably your age.
Nik:  Tread lightly, I’ve got out-of-control PMS and might unexpectedly drop kick you.
Alex:  Take some midol.  You can tell if ya got chemistry with someone based on how much fun you have while making out. A really hot and steamy make out sesh ALWAYS makes (or leads) to a good time. It sometimes takes a minute to get into each other’s groove, but eventually you do and when you do, you’re brought back to high school horny. Everything else stops and all you can think about is how awesome you feel. I’ve also dated (made out with) someone who didn’t really care for making out, whenever we did he never opened his mouth wide enough. It was hard to really get into it. We didn’t stay together long, he turned out to be kinda selfish. Super hot though. And my favorite kisser was my longest relationship. And I’ve also been with someone who didn’t start off as a good kisser, but now he is. We just figured out how to make out with each other. We’re still on talking terms.  Whenever we see each other, we make out. Unless one of us is seeing someone, then we’re awkward friends. But if you think about everyone you’ve made out with, which is probably hundreds of thousands, your favorite kissers may be the people you’ve had the strongest feelings for or the longest relationships with. So as you can see, moral of the story, making out is the easiest way to find out if you’ve got a future with someone.
Nik:  I can tell by how a man eats his food.
Alex:  Really?
Alex: (later) RESPOND! This is vital information, I need to know!
Alex: (later, later) You’re a bitch.

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Alex: Okay serious question… do you match your underwear and bra? I’m not going to say why I want to know, just in case my dad ever reads this blog, but let’s just say I think it’s time I step it up in the undergarment department. My friends would agree, I used to have the ugliest undies. My mom used to go to Kohl’s and always came back with a bunch saying “there was a good sale”. So what if they were black with a kitten-jack-o-lantern face on it? They were free. Those days are over though. So do share your intimate secrets with me. Are they better than Victoria’s Secret?
Nik: New man? Lol. And please, your dad is NOT reading AmAm. Anyway, yes, I match. I think mismatching is lazy and looks like you smell like pee. But I’m weird like that and you know I’m a self-proclaimed OCDer. I’ll admit that I went through a phase where the nude push-up number from Victoria Secret became my undergarm uniform. I owned like 82 of them because they were all I’d wear. But one day I thought, ew, gross. So now I save the ‘nudes’ for clothes that require them. And, yes, I’m a fan of Vic Sec, but I’ve got an arsenal of fancy delicates for certain scenarios, which I won’t talk about because now you’ve got me paranoid that your dad really is reading this.
Alex: Haha! Fine, I’ll admit it, my dad doesn’t read this and it is for a new man. BUT I’m not spilling the beans yet because I don’t want to jinx anything! Oh boy, I don’t think I’ve ever matched my undies and bra. Time to start though. Want to go to Victoria Secret with me this week? And for the record, I don’t smell like pee.
Nik: Just tell me you don’t have period underwear.
Alex: (Gasp!) You don’t? Everyone does!
Nik: No they don’t! I don’t.
Alex: You really don’t have those ugly undies that you wear during that week because you could care less if they get ruined? You know you’ve ruined a few panties.
Nik: No. I wear black during my moon cycle.
Alex: Did you wear black during your sweat lodge too?
Nik: Depends on the lunar calendar, but no, white because it doesn’t show the salt marks from the sweat.
Alex: Gross. The conversations ends here.
Nik: I wasn’t talking about V sweat!
Alex: (pretends to throw up)
Nik: (throws a reverse peace sign)

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Alex:  A close friend from high school recently got married. She’s my first girlfriend to get married. I was in the bridal party so I was there when they got married. I can’t stop saying the word married. I think it’s because it scares me a little. I know I’m only 24 and people say that I’m young, but it doesn’t change the fact that every now and then I’m overwhelmed with the pressure of finding love and settling down. I get these intense waves of emotion that send my mind racing down lonely lane. I don’t address these feelings often, but they’re there. Like a little crack in the mirror of love that reminds me every so often that I’m still single. Did I take that too far? Don’t get me wrong, I do love weddings and the idea of love. They’re fun and being a part of someone’s big day, that they’re going to remember for a lifetime, is an honor. But I’m just on a different boat entirely. I can’t think of marriage right now. Thinking of being with someone for eternity freaks me out. I think it’s scary because I’m single and I’m afraid I’m never going to find someone good enough. I know, I know, I’m being dramatic, but at times I really feel the pressure of finding that somebody. I haven’t brought a guy home to meet my family since my last relationship five years ago. I have a feeling my parents think there’s something wrong with me, they’ve even made a few jokes about it. It’s just really hitting me that I’m not in college anymore. Boy is it crazy how fast those years flew by. Why isn’t there a time machine? I want to go back! I have these moments where I don’t want to let go of that care-free life and accept how hard the real world is. Do these feelings ever go away?
Nik:  For sure. I think once you find a job that you love and get your groove in LA, you’ll start to really love life post-college. I mean, do you really want to read twenty chapters on some bullshit you don’t care about and then write a twenty page paper on what you read only to hand it in and do it all over again? Now you get to read your own book and write your own paper and that’s the best, most exciting thing ever! I’m guessing you miss your friends the most and the safety of structure. So create your own structure out here by developing a routine, nurture your friendships and start dating (for every guy in LA’s sake!) You don’t have to look at each guy as future-baby-daddy material, just as casual and fun encounters that will expose you to a more expanded view. Stop thinking. Start kissing.
Alex:  That’s a great bumper sticker ‘Stop thinking. Start kissing’. Or maybe even a tattoo!! Just kidding, I would never. Anyway, you’re right. I am guilty of sometimes taking life too seriously. So less thinking and more kissing… I think I can do that!

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