Alex: I did it! Holy shitcakes Nik, I finished the FIRST draft of my pilot! I don’t even know how to tell you what I’m feeling right now. I’ve never been this far along on a creative project in my life. 54 pages. Read em’ and weep baby. I feel like I could run an entire marathon right now. Honestly, nothing could make me angry in this moment. I’ll prove it. Try to say something that you think will make me mad.
Nik: I can’t because I’m so flipping happy right now!
Alex: C’mon try!
Nik: Uh… I slept with Aaron Rodgers while I was in GB.
Alex: See? Not mad!
Nik: Yeah, that’s more high five worthy anyway. Seriously though, I’m so proud of you. Finishing a script is a HUGE accomplishment. You stepped up and you got it done.
Alex: It’s moments like this that I realize hard work really does pay off. I know I still have a ways to go until it’s ready for you to read, but I proved to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. Even better, I proved to myself that I am a writer. I had many late nights at the office finishing this, and I know I still have many more to come. But it doesn’t scare me. I had to remind myself to think long-term gratification rather than short-term gratification. Whenever I needed a dose of motivation I’d read Quotes Porn. I stayed in a lot, missed out on a few parties and dinners. But this feeling beats any party, any food. Even pizza. And if I’m honest, I’m more excited to be done with this project so I can move on to the next one. I have a pocket full of other ideas that I’m ready to play with. Life is good, Nik. Thank you for inspiring me on the days I felt defeated. You a bad ass bitch, I learned from the best.
Nik: We need to celebrate.
Alex: With pizza?
Nik: Anything you want.
Alex: A naked Aaron Rodgers feeding us Pizza.

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Alex: Not going to lie, Dangerdust inspired me today. My favorite is “Know how to spell a word more than one way.” – Mark Twain. Which one is your favorite?
Nik: Um.
Alex: Chalkboard art doesn’t do it for ya?
Nik: Everything is just so nice now. I mean, remember the days when you’d go to school and there was a permanent marker dick on your locker?
Alex: Yeah, I was really into MASH. Did you ever play that game?
Nik: Huh?
Alex: Man, you’re old.
Nik: I really don’t know what MASH is.  Or why we’re talking about it.
Alex: It’s a game where you pick three people that you’re going to marry, three places you’re going to live and three potential cars you’re going to drive.  It basically predicts your future.
Nik: I’m so lost.
Alex: Me too. Just pick a favorite quote for the sake of this post.
Nik: “With enough butter anything is good.” – Julia Child
Alex: You would.

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Alex: Dating in LA sucks balls. I started seeing someone back in January.  It was refreshing to like someone again. From the first day we met we started a conversation that never ended. It was effortless and exciting. One of the first nights we hung out we found a huge tree on San Vicente, climbed to the perfect spot, and shared our first kiss. I was on cloud nine! I felt like I hit the jackpot, winning the lotto of love. Haha, that was so cheesy. Okay back to the story… At first it was all so easy. I would wake up to a ‘good morning’ text. We would talk on the phone for hours. The sex was wonderful. It was all too good to be true. Seriously.  A few months passed and I was left scratching my head wondering what the heck happened. It was like this shift in the universe and our relationship was forever changed. I started to see how single-minded he was. He didn’t know how to communicate, which is weird because he’s a coach, his job is to communicate.  All I know is that I kept holding on because when I would see him, everything felt right again. It was like a drug, we’d hang out, it felt good, I’d go home and the high would wear off and I was back to feeling ‘not me’ again. I would start to look at my phone in hopes he would text me, call me, anything! What was I doing? I started to want him to want me more than I actually wanted him myself.  It was getting to a point where I was spending more time unhappy than happy.  Then I remembered that sometimes what you learn from a relationship is often times more valuable than having it. So I got to thinking about what I learned:

- I learned about bulletproof coffee, I’ll always be thankful for that!
– I learned more about what I want in a man. I want my boyfriend to be my best friend and bring out the best in me. Someone who is thoughtful and open-minded.
– I learned the power of a great deep squat.
– I learned that I need to go camping more. I forgot how much I love to camp!
– I learned that if it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is. Real life has flaws. They’re just hard to see while you are being swept off your feet!
– Most importantly I learned I value my time and that I won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t value it too.

Writing these down made ending our ‘whatever it was’ easier. Why would I be upset when I learned so much about myself?

Nik: Because he was a dbag!  Sorry, but I had to say it.  I think that by writing these things down, you turned negative, unhealthy thoughts into something positive and empowered. And yes, you learned things and that is never ever bad, but at what price?  It saddens me how much girls will scratch and claw just to get the tiniest bit of affection (myself included.)  It’s like we start to measure our self-worth by the amount of attention we’re getting.  I saw this somewhere the other day, ‘If someone wants you in their life, they’ll put you there.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.’  It’s sooooo true.  I think the second something feels off, you need to bring it up in a direct and honest way.  If it doesn’t feel better and I don’t mean all gushy and adrenaline fueled,  but in a feeling cherished sort of way, then walk.  Walk and don’t look back. And if you start to get that high-low-addicted feeling in a relationship, it’s a really good sign that you’re not being respected and to move on.  I’m happy you ditched him.
Alex: Haha I love you, Janae thought he was a douchelord too.  I like that quote a lot. It reminds me that the only people you should keep in your life are the ones that make you better. I should have walked a lot sooner, the second I wasn’t happy. I was just naive and hanging on to the hope that things would change, but the only person I can change is myself. I forget that sometimes.
Nik: So, you good?
Alex: Yeah, I’m good.
Nik: Really good?
Alex: Reaaaallly good.
Nik: Who’s the new guy?

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Nik:  Sometimes I just  have to write a poem to unblock the block…

it’s over now

cantankerous.  mortality.  flesh not flesh.
osteichthyes, chondrichthyes, agnatha, stench still of dead fish,
that consternation held dear hated friend,
for effect affected, left confusion,
abrupt erupting deep,
carcass, relic, trash can trophy, residue of impassioned passion,
fruit rotten, spotted grainy juice,
flies flippant, bewitching ambition,
tried and tried true,  budding, branch out, originate,
pop-up-pop-in-popcorn-pop-pop-EXPLOSION,
gene intrusion, DNA twisted, linking, living, germinated germ.

get out.

mystified, horrified, cried,
pears, apples, flowers, colors, life not death, death not obligation without liability,
crash into ribcage, broken spur spearing, banging head racing, spinning evaluation,
rating,  distinction voted weakness for expectation, serious notion, fervent heat, chained wrist to thigh, to heart, to tongue, to cavity-ridden cacophony. phony.
fearful repentant thoughts, manipulation, now conniption,
breathe irritation, breathe petulance, breathe rage, breathe infuriation,
breathe resentment, breathe revulsion, breathe hostility and rancor.

breathe all of you.  all of me.  breathe in.  dead fish.

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Alex:  My mother called me today. It caught me off guard, I wasn’t ready. As my phone was ringing I had an instant flashback to the last time we spoke: “I don’t want to see you, Alex.” It has been months since I’ve talked to her. The feeling of hope that she was her old self again took over. I was walking into my friends house when I decided to pick up the phone and see what my estranged mother wants. I was greeted with disappointment. I’m not surprised. Why did I answer again? In the past, I would go along with her crazy, made-up, inebriated stories. Pretending like I was listening. Then more often than not she would say something that cut so deep, I’d fight back. I’d say things I didn’t mean. Then hang up the phone and be so bothered by our altercation that it’d end up ruining my night. I’ve been trying to have a relationship with my mother for so long, but every time we talk I end up with steam coming out of my ears. I turn into this vicious monster who can’t be tamed and then feel guilty about it later on. I think we all do this..put up with toxic relationships because you love them. A psycho boyfriend stalks your social media and makes you explain every post, every person you follow, every picture you like. You fight constantly and even though you know you should be in a better relationship you put up with it because you love him. Your girlfriend goes out and parties too much, gets drunk and is mean to you, but you put up with it anyway because you love her and you think she’ll change. Your mom is incapable of loving anyone and lives in her own fantasy world where you’re the evil villain, but you allow her to destroy you because she’s your mom and you love her. Alright, I think you get the picture. I’m tired of toxic relationships, Nik. I’m exhausted by putting up with people who don’t deserve to be in my life. I’m emotionally drained and shouldn’t have to deal with the constant negativity from someone I love. I’m finally accepting what is. No more playing victim. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can’t control other people’s actions. You can’t change someone else, you can only make changes within yourself. I have an estranged mother, so what? Its made me who I am today. I like where I am and every time I talk to her, I back track. So why give someone the time of day who makes you backtrack? What you learn from a relationship is often times more valuable than having it.
Nik:  Hope is a tricky thing. I think hope is an innate characteristic we all have, and it’s tough when the realization that it’s time to let go sets in because it signifies that what you’ve hoped for isn’t possible. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It maybe feels like you’re giving up. But I think it’s very important to recognize the relationships that don’t serve you and to let them go gracefully. If you’re spending more time unhappy than happy in a situation, it’s not worth it, no matter how hopeful you are. It’s okay to walk away and protect yourself. It’s better. And it’s healthy. You can’t save anyone and you can’t force a relationship to be something it’s not. In the end, when you shed a toxic relationship, both people become better for it.
Alex:  Nik you are so good. Your words are quotable. I want to quote them all day everyday. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with me. I can’t tell you how many times a day I tell myself how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life!

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Nik: If you’re not watching this show. Do. It’s inspirational and the cameras take you into the manly wonderment of an NFL locker room. Some quotes from the last episode…

“No man fears to do that which he knows he does well. If you know what the hell to do you should have no anxiety about getting it done. You should be relaxed and be able to do it and get it done. With everything chaotic around you, you outta be able to focus and get it done if you know what to do inside and out.” – Marvin Lewis (Bengals Head Coach)

“All you can really do is stay ready and stay hungry. As long as there is an opportunity I’m gonna keep on chasing.” – Aaron Maybin (after he got cut)

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Nik: Love these Essie Sleek Sticks. They’re super easy to apply and cheaper than a mani. Bonus: I’m going on two weeks and my nails still look amazeballs.
Alex: Amazeballs… What kind of balls are those?

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Alex: Did you think dating was weird when you first moved out here?
Nik: I had a boyfriend who lived in Italy.
Alex: How’d you meet a guy in Italy?
Nik: I modeled in Milan
Alex: What? How did I not know this? You lived in one of my favorite Disney movies.
Nik: Milan, not Mulan.
Alex: Right.

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